| Jun. 18th, 2009 @ 08:02 am More Introspection |
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Current Location: Work
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040
Yeah, I've been doing that a lot lately. Job dissatisfaction will do that to 'ya.
I think part of my job dissatisfaction and general feeling that what I do is fairly meaningless goes back to Estelle's death. She died when I was 34 (she was 29). When someone that close to you, that young, and with whom you've been with so short a period of time (we were together nearly 7 years and married for just over 3-1/2 of those), dies, it serves as sort of a wake-up call. At least, it did for me. Up until now, I've had a few ambitions, but the most significant thing I've accomplished is finishing college. I've been keenly aware since September 11, 2001 that my job really has little meaning in the grand scheme of things, so what have I done with my life? Not a whole heck of a lot, really.
That's OK for most people. They're satisfied with living their lives enough that they can say they've enjoyed themselves and had a good life. I've had a good life, but I've always wanted to do something for which I could be remembered. Call it hubris, call it arrogance, but I think it stems from my creative side. What artist doesn't want to create a masterpiece?
I don't work in clay, or marble, acrylics, oils, or watercolors. I don't weld or draw, or even scribble well. I'm an OK photographer, but my real craft is writing. I have a novel-length manuscript ready for revision. Selling manuscripts is hard. Hell, getting a response from a Literary Agent is hard. I also think places that do business like that deserve to go out of business. I mean, if you're going to tell people that they'll hear something back in 4-6 weeks, the least you can do is send out a "Piss-Off Loser" letter. Leaving people in limbo that you've indicated you'll send some sort of response to is just rude and, in my opinion, inexcusable. Hell, I even sent a follow-up to one publisher with a SASE included. I can only think that they must have just thrown it away, which is a waste of my money. Of course, if they sat on it long enough, the postage rates would have increased, so now they can't send it back in my SASE.
Then, there's Lulu--Print on Demand. It's becoming a realistic option for people who can't get publishers and literary agents to return their calls or respond to their letters of inquiry. Many of Lulu's publishing packages include an ISBN number and they'll put your book up on Barnes & Noble.com (and people can order your book through the brick & mortar bookstores, too). Part of feels like I won't be legitimized as an author if I go that route, though. On the other hand, if I go that route and sell even one book, that makes me a professional author.* Of course, if I go that route, I'll have to pay someone to draw some cover art for me because although you can't judge a book by its cover, a lot of people are drawn to look at a book because of compelling cover art, particularly in the sci-fi and fantasy genres, and I'm not going to assume I can get away with as spartan a cover as the copies of George R. R. Martin's books I have; I'm no George R. R. Martin.
Maria's been a big boost to my confidence. She genuinely enjoys reading what I write (you can tell when someone really likes what you write versus someone who just says they like what you write because they don't want to hurt your feelings), and her comments and criticisms of my story make sense to me (and she caught a lot of errors that I didn't notice the last time I read through it). She even agreed with me that I need to revise the ending. Ending are hard. Most stories I've written, I am not satisfied with the ending. They just seem to peter out, rather than being a definitive END. You don't want your reader to finish your book thinking, "Boy, that just ran out of steam. It's like there are pages missing here." or, "Geez, that should have ended about five pages ago." You want them to read that last page and think, 'The End!" without having to read it (or Fini).
Things like this have been weighing on my mind lately. Add to that my father's illnesses and other things I'm committed to, and is it any wonder I feel stretched thin, like too little butter spread on toast?
* Despite having received monies for doing freelance graphic design work, I hesitate to call myself a graphic designer. Maybe because what I've done so far is for such a niche market, I don't feel like I've had the exposure to be able to point to something and say "I designed that!"** On that note, I will add that I currently have a paying, freelance gig designing a ValPak ad for a local home improvement contractor, so there is that. That money is going in my Gen Con fund. :)
** Yes, I did the logo, posters, and most of the other signage for the Oktoberfest last year, and some of those were seen by thousands, if not tens of thousands of people, but I didn't get paid for that.
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